One Thousand Snowflakes
The air is chilled and I have forgotten my mittens
but I will not reach for your hand
Catching snowflakes on my fingertips
to place in my pocket
How can they be so beautiful, yet so different?
I see myself in each one
I fear I am each one
Wishing and praying to be part of something bigger
as I float down from the sky
On my way to leave, as quickly as I arrived
We are not music
a spark or connection
We are snowflakes
each of us trying to scream louder than the rest
Our mantras become menacing
as we grow louder, trying to be heard
But when the time comes
we can only release a faint whisper
Trying to justify our existence to
only each other
It was always each other
Oh, how we wanted each other.
Hands cupped around my mouth
shouting to the universe that I want to change
yelling from the rooftops so I don’t have to hear myself whisper
The universe responds, speaking in tongues
yet I understand
Leading us to the fire
place your hand inside the fire
and tell me it does not burn
Maybe this time I will believe you
I want to
I do
Clinging to hope as your hand melts in the fire
You liar
You liar
One thousand snowflakes, dissolving slowly
Regrets turn to water
trying to put out the fire
and all we wanted was to try again
If I could stop time
or maybe just my mind
I would hold your hand
each snowflake weaved together
like fingertips
But I have tried many times before
and a touch is not just a touch
with a sleepless mind
This I know
This I am sure.
Before we melt
before we go
I want you to know
though I will never reach for your hand
I am capable of love
I will carve it in the sand
and write it in the snow.
Another hand is a puzzle I have yet to solve
a poem I have not written
a song I have not quite yet grasped the meaning of
But I will grasp my own hands
clasped together, pointed towards the sky
praying that I can capture peace long enough
to put it in a jar
to hold it in my hand
Wishing, as I fall to the ground for rebirth,
ready to join
one thousand snowflakes melting into the Earth.
Elsewhere
I remember long ago
footprints littered the soft snow
An army of snowmen wait back home
piles of snowballs ready to fight
Standing guard
as I spend my days planting roses in December
A bouquet of hidden gems
overlooked to all
but the tainted eye
Does the snow remind you of simpler times?
At night I roam
looting surrounding gardens
Returning home
stuffing tulips into my walls
so if they ever decide to speak
they might say something pretty
something kind
about those very unkind times
But it was all in my mind
I swore and swore I would not cry
wouldn’t put out the fire
built to protect me from July
I remember last July
the cold comes stronger in July
The sun and the flowers disguising lies
trying to make something pretty
of those ugly, ugly times
I remember
laying on my hardwood floor
hoping and praying that the light I see
will one day be
more than the lamp hanging over me
The only thing keeping me
is knowing how soon I’d be forgotten
pressing my hands into wet concrete
so maybe a part of me will be remembered
a part of me may last
Counting daisies on the wallpaper as I peel it away
Covering chipped paint
I’ve never felt so fake
Hunched over a desk with a tiny light
forcing words to fill my empty lines
trying to make sense of all that time
I can’t stand the silence inside my mind
I never learned the definition of trying times
and my guardian angel never learned to fly
The sun hasn’t shone in nine years or so
Living in darkness, it’s hard to grow
Making crop circles in the middle of the night
waving at the sky with all my might
Anything to signal to the universe
that I am still here
that I am still alive.
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image: Pixabay
